Christmas seems to be appearing earlier and earlier each year.  The first identifiable manifestation of Christmas that I saw this year was in September!  This is way too early, and perhaps a future UKIP government would try and do something about this by passing a “Sanctity of Christmas Act”.

The “Sanctity of Christmas Act” would require that, before December, there must be no advertising that has either an overt or covert mention of Christmas in it.  Before December, there must be no Christmas decoration anywhere, and if a wreath is observed hanging on anybody’s door, there had better be somebody dead inside.  Before December, any tree that is indoors must be no bigger than a bonsai tree, and under no circumstances may it be adorned with anything resembling tinsel or shiny, dangly objects.

Before December, the broadcasters would be required to refrain from showing any films with a theme of Christmas celebration, and no radio station will be allowed to play recordings of any songs that mention Christmas or are recognised Christmas carols.  Any person found singing Christmas carols in public will be charged under noise pollution regulations, although some leeway can be given if the person involved is leaving a pub rat-arsed.

Any begging letters addressed to a certain personage supposedly resident at the North Pole that arrive in the Post Office sorting offices before December will be returned to the sender with the  endorsement “Bah, Humbug!” stamped on the envelope and return postage due.

The institutions of academia, especially agricultural colleges, should be advised that, before December, no more than two wise men may approach a stable at any one time.  Of course, the definition of what constitutes a “wise man” should not be put into statute, but should be left to the judiciary to decide, as the judiciary can then more easily amend this if necessary, for example if a Professor of Agricultural Studies is later found to be a member of one of the main political parties, which would call their wisdom into question.  The judiciary should also develop the law to suit the situation, such as the “third ‘Ho’” rule, to cover things like the following scenario.  Before December, it is permissible to utter the expression “Ho Ho” as a manifestation of jollity.  However, before December, should a jolly old man add the third “Ho”, and the expression becomes “Ho Ho Ho”, then his feet won’t touch!

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